A few years ago, I spoke to a group of
high-schoolers about the Jewish idea of
love. "Someone define love," I said. "Doesn't anyone want to try? Still no response. "Tell you what: I'll define it, and you
raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"
Nods. "Okay. Love is that feeling you get when
you meet the right person." Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy. This is how many people approach a
relationship. Consciously or
unconsciously, they believe love is a
sensation (based on physical and
emotional attraction) that magically,
spontaneously generates when Mr. And just as easily, it
can spontaneously degenerate when the
magic "just isn't there" anymore. You
fall in love, and you can fall out of it. The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm,
in his famous treatise "The Art of
Loving," noted the sad consequence of
this misconception: "There is hardly
any activity, any enterprise, which is
started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so
regularly, as love." (That was back in
1956 ― chances are he'd be even more
pessimistic today.) So what is love ― real, lasting love? Love is the attachment that results
from deeply appreciating another's
goodness. The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature
a couple enraptured with each other's
ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!"
he told her passionately. "And I've never
met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life
successful marriages (The Good
Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts),
Judith Wallerstein reports that "the
value these couples placed on the
partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding." To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected
at all. What we value most in ourselves,
we value most in others. God created us
to see ourselves as good (hence our need to
either rationalize or regret our
wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging
personality, intelligence, and talent
(all of which count for something) may
attract you, but goodness is what moves
you to love. Love is a Choice ! If love comes from appreciating
goodness, it needn't just happen ― you
can make it happen. Love is active. You
can create it. Just focus on the good in
another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily. I was once at an intimate concert in
which the performer, a deeply spiritual
person, gazed warmly at his audience
and said, "I want you to know, I love you
all." I smiled tolerantly and thought,
"Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man
naturally saw the good in others, and
our being there said enough about us
that he could love us. Judaism actually
idealizes this universal,
unconditional love. Obviously, there's a huge distance from
here to the far more profound, personal
love developed over the years, especially
in marriage. But seeing goodness is the
beginning. Susan learned about this foundation of
love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them
the good news, they were elated. At the
end of the conversation, her mother
said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David." Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said
hesitantly, "I really appreciate your
feelings, but, in all honesty, how can
you say you love someone you've never
met?"
"We're choosing to love him," her mother
explained, "because love is a choice." There's no better wisdom Susan's mother
could have imparted to her before
marriage. By focusing on the good, you
can love almost anyone. Actions Affect Feelings! Now that you're feeling so warmly
toward the entire human race, how can
you deepen your love for someone? The way
God created us, actions affect our
feelings most. For example, if you want
to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start,
but giving tzedaka (charity) will get
you there. Likewise, the best way to feel
loving is to be loving ― and that
means giving. While most people believe love leads to
giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu
Dessler writes in his famous discourse
on loving kindness) is exactly the
opposite: Giving leads to love. What is giving? When an enthusiastic
handyman happily announces to his
non- mechanically inclined wife,
"Honey, wait till you see what I got you
for your birthday ― a triple-decker
toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his
son because he himself always dreamed
of being a virtuoso. True giving, as Erich Fromm points out,
is other-oriented, and requires four
elements. The first is care,
demonstrating active concern for the
recipient's life and growth. The second
is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs
(particularly, in an adult
relationship, emotional needs). The
third is respect, "the ability to see a
person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his
[or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to
"grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon
the fourth, knowledge. You can care for,
respond to, and respect another only as
deeply as you know him or her. Opening Yourself to Others ! The effect of genuine, other-oriented
giving is profound. It allows you into
another person's world and opens you up
to perceiving his or her goodness. At the
same time, it means investing part of
yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself. Many years ago, I met a woman whom I
found very unpleasant. So I decided to
try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few
days later I offered to help her with a
personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and
offered feedback and praise. Today we
have a warm relationship. The more you
give, the more you love. This is why your
parents (who've given you more than
you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in
turn, will love your own children more
than they'll love you. Because deep, intimate love emanates
from knowledge and giving, it comes
not overnight but over time ― which
nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before
marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and
anticipation. These may be the seeds of
love, but they have yet to sprout. On the
wedding day, emotions run high, but
true love should be at its lowest, because
it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more
to each other. A woman I know once explained why
she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs,"
she told me. "The downs can be really
low ― and when you're in one, you have
three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse." Dr. Jill Murray (author of But I Love Him:
Protecting Your Daughter from
Controlling, Abusive Dating
Relationships) writes that if someone
mistreats you while professing to love
you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are
committed to behaving lovingly through
continual, unconditional giving ― not
only saying, "I love you," but showing it. Reprinted with permission from "HEAD TO HEART" by Gila Manolson.
